What goes around comes around.

I find myself in a very precarious situation.

Four to five years ago I was married to a man who let's just say was not for me. My friends tried to tell me, but I was convinced I had done the best I could do. Turned out I was wrong. Luckily for me I finally grew backbone enough and ended the relationship. Now, 31/2 years later I am in a stable, loving relationship, with 2 wonderful kids.

My dilemma?

I have a friend. Whose husband is shall we say......an asshole. He shows very little respect or regard for her physical or emotional well being. He does very little for his kids, as far as we the outside world can tell. He is 100% worried about himself. It all sounds a little too familiar. How do I help her? I find myself at a loss being on the other side. I know the only thing I can do, is be supportive of her and allow her to make her own decision. It is so frustrating. I don't want to see her continually sick, and tired and stressed, and alone. But how do I make her see that? I know there is love there. In those far too fleeting moments, you can hear it in her voice. Once in a blue moon he will do something selfless, (which I believe is almost always prompted by a phone call from her mother), and then you can see it in her face. When does the bad out-weigh the good? What does it take to see the whole picture? For me it was Logan. For her it will be something different I'm sure.

So I bite my tongue. Spend long hours on the phone. Buy stock in Tim Horton's, and keep gas in the tank.

To those friends I mentioned at the beginning. THANK YOU. I had no idea how much of a strain a bad personal relationship can have on a friendship.

Please, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I
cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Just One

I can not even begin to explain how awful my day was at work today. I actually cried. I was so overwhelmed, and stressed, and running chicken like that I forgot the most important thing to remember in my new job. I am one person. I am one person, in a new position. I received one day of training, which was basically a tour. Now ...."Sink or Swim". What if I choose to tread water. Then what. The wonderful thing is....I have a boss. A few of them. One in particular that I report directly to. So I guess that means, if I have too much work, she either doesn't have enough, or she needs to hire. Either way, the resolution lies with her. No more unpaid overtime. No more buying my own supplies. No more being ignored when I have a question. I will do the best I can with what I have been given and the rest is up to her.

Sounds simple right... I had this wonderful epiphany as I watched my baby girl crawl for the first time tonight. Yesterday she cut her first tooth. My real job? My real job is at home. I go to work so I can enjoy more things with my family. Not to be so stressed out and overworked that I can't spend time with them. Tomorrow I try to start fresh. Spending the day with my kids, my night at work then off for 2..... o blog...I feel better already...where have you been.

Passing the Torch

Well I think I've done it. I have successfully done to my children what I swore I would never do.
I grew up in a somewhat entangled, broken, mended, uprooted family tree. No major complaints, just that I was "different". I swore that I would never allow my children to be put through the same hard aches I had to endure as a child. Who is my daddy? What is the difference between"daddy" and a father. Where is he? Can I have more than one daddy?
Well I have done it. My ex-husband decided the other day that he wanted to visit with Logan. I of course have never denied any request for visitation, so I arranged it. Watching my son drive away in the back of his car, made me nauseated. Angry. Worried.....I can't even describe the range of emotions. How dare he after more than a year of not taking him anywhere, he decide he's ready to spend time with him. How is it possible that it's even O.K.. You barely call, maybe once every 2 weeks, and that's being generous. You show up for birthdays and the odd special occasion to spend a few hours here with him. You complain to me you can't see him when you want to because of your hectic work schedule, yet you pay no child support.
What have I done. I have created the same mess for Logan that I have myself.
NO!
I am in a stable loving relationship with a man who loves me and both of my children equally.
I never bad mouth or talk negatively of my ex-husband in front of Logan.
My children will always have a home with me.
I will allow Logan to make his own decisions, about his father when he is old enough, and not try to tell him what he has to do.
This is all more than I had.
Little by little I am trying to fix the Karma.
Maybe if I do everything I can for my kids; my grand kids, or great-grand kids, will have the happy, stable, normal family tree I crave for them.

Magical Powers

I have "MAGICAL POWERS". I didn't know it for sure until recently, but I certainly must have them. I think other people knew before me, because they seem to be using them better than I myself can. If I could only find a way to tap into them on a regular basis, I would have everything all figured out. I didn't actually discover them myself, but due to the way I have been treated by some of the people in my life lately, I feel this is the only answer.
According to these people I should be able to:

1. Read minds
2. Move faster than the speed of light
3. Make money grow on trees
4. Be in 2 places at once.

So for those people who seem to know that I have these powers, could you please help me figure out how to use them. I feel this would save us all a lot of time and energy. Especially energy wasted on me pulling my hair out when I can't figure it out on my own.

I think maybe I will make this a memo, and mail it to those in need.

It makes the world go round.....

It never ceases to amaze me, the number of people in my generation who take what they have for granted. Don't get me wrong....I have a pretty wonderful family, who would do whatever they could for me. The fact of the matter is that we are not financially endowed. We share what we can and bust our asses to pay for the rest.
I have some friends who are very lucky. So lucky they don't even look at it as a blessing. When they get into a jam, or have a little more debt than they feel comfortable with, they call mommy or daddy and someone comes rushing to bail them out. I do not blame them for being lucky. I certainly do not blame the parents for helping, or being able to help. What frustrates me is that the same people who have this fortunate relationship with those who are financially endowed, are the people who complain or talk the most about money. Why is that? Don't they see it?
I am very lucky. I have two children who are spoiled beyond compare. No matter what the situation they come first. In my eyes that is the way it should be. Sure Dave and I take the backseat, and sometimes we have to wait, and work a little harder for things we want. I think that makes us appreciate them a little more when we finally get them. So for anyone who is reading this that may have money whenever they need it...Congratulations. Enjoy it, but be appreciative of it. As for the rest of us.....keep trying. Every dog has its day.

Children, don't let your parents grow up to be children!

Turn back now, this may get ugly.

This may get nasty.

This will definitely be a rant.



I AM SOOOO DONE!!!

I am tired of being the only adult in my seriously dysfunctional, extended, and mutilated parent - child family tree. I promise never to put my children through the pain, agony and pressure of being constantly dragged down by me. Mom if you are reading this...you've come a long way so please don't think that this was created for you.

DAD ON THE OTHER HAND! If by some miracle you are reading this, maybe it is for the best. Maybe these are all things I should have said or written, or had tattooed a long time ago.

• I AM NOT YOUR PARENT!


• I should not feel obligated to loan you money


• You should not be asking


• I should not hear things "through the grapevine"


• You should not be lying to me


• I should not be meant to feel like a hotel


• You should have your own place.


• I should not feel guilty for having, and wanting more


• You should not be taking advantage of it.


• I should not have to live down your reputation


• You should not be so proud of it.

At what point do "kids" ( and I use the term lightly) earn the right to say...

"NO"!

I am 27 years old. I have 2 beautiful children and a significant other who love me. I have a job, and I work hard. I have friends I will do anything for, and those who I know would do for me. I have sisters that mean the world to me.

I DO NOT NEED YOUR CRAP!

I have a life. This life has dishes, laundry, and bill payments of my own.I don't need yours too. It also has barbeques with friends, outings to the park, playing outside with kids, and story time. Not that you would know.

I'm sure that you love me, and I am sure that you love my kids. It's not enough.

Be an adult. Take some responsibility. Be accountable. But please before it's too late....

GROW UP!

Separation.....

How do you separate?
Work from personal, right from wrong, frustration from anger. I find it too easy lately to let my frustration turn to anger. I have to keep putting myself in check and saying," Wow was it really worth all that. " I have come to the conclusion that my bullshit meter is broken. I find it increasingly difficult to listen to peoples ramblings, when the answer seems so common sense.
I consider myself a pretty good listener.( We all have our days) And of course there are many problems with which there are no answers, or so many answers you couldn't possibly offer the right one. In those situations, I am happy to listen and offer all the help or wisdom ( what I have anyway) I can give, or just listen and nod and say ummhmm when necessary if that's what is needed. We all know sometimes that is just as important.
BUT GOOD GRIEF!!!!
Not everything is rocket science. There are questions that can be answered easily with a little good old fashioned slow the hell down and think for a minute. Look at the big picture. Sometimes the answer is right in front of you. COMPROMISE. You will find a solution.
I think my children have taught me a lot lately. My 3 year old son said to me yesterday, "Mommy, I don't need any more toys, and Keiran can share my toys, so you don't have to go to work today."
My heart almost broke.
The answers are so simple for him. Sometimes I think the best ideas I have ever heard are the ones out of the mouth of my 3 year old.

• Honest
• Straightforward
• Simple

What more can you ask for.

I think that will be my new philosophy to get me through my next week of work. Instead of trying to be a mature adult, I am going to try to be more like my 3 year old. If that doesn't work maybe I'll try to be more like my daughter. Cry or scream till they figure it out. Something's gotta give.

Blogger Virgin

Wow!!!

It used to be that the whole purpose of a "journal" was to release your emotions but keep them a secret. Well Sandra welcome to the here and now......journals are entertainment for the masses. In a way I think this could be good for me. People are entitled to make comments, and I am entitled to listen to or ignore them. I can vent in a rainbow of colours and pictures, or I can show off and brag. Well Blogger virgin no more. I will learn to use this handy dandy little tool, and all the ins, outs and features that come with it....and damn it I will like it.

Kids too young to understand and a spouse....well...he's male....nuff said. Yep, Blogging just may be the future of sanity.........